Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
