somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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