Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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