apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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