He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
