U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
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she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
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Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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