I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
