If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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