i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
