this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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