i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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