I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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