I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she told me i tasted like america
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
