Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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