I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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