last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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