you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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