You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
