Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
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I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
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Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My life is pants optional.
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