It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
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Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sorry my hands just texted you
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
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We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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