I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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