I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
