1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
