Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
