Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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