i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you bring me the toilet please
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
