The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
