I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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