I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I looked at my own cervix.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
