listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
