So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
