Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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