I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
