i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sorry about my life...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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