The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
