i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
