If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
jump out the window naked night went bad
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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