that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I came so hard my ears popped.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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