shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
