You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
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So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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