its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
