Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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