Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
