my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
