I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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