i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
