I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
