You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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