I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
