Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
