God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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