I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
