i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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