I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
