When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
