Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
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It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..