After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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