I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
