so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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