I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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