You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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