I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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