You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
