i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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