Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
