How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
