You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
