You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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